I'm here

My fingers drum the beat, the ever lasting feeling is slowly coming to an end. I whisper these words and all I can think of is how beautiful you really are. Those words drip out of your mouth, how romantic it can seem to want to save someone. But saving me isn't going to help the problem. My problem is bigger than you telling me that you'll be there. I'm lost in my head, have you ever been in a place so misleading? My eyes are open come save me. I can hear you singing those words but yet where is your body in this action. I can't feel your skin on mine, I'm constantly looking for those touches. I want to save you, yes I do but do you want to really save me? I need you, I need you. I'm bleeding on the inside, I'm craving for something more, I want the thrill of life to smack me in the face. I want to face the sea and not be afraid of what's in the depths. 

I'm sitting here and nothing comes to mind. I'm lost once again and I don't know how long it will take me to guide this maze. I'm waiting for this room to clear, for my heart to be empty but yet I'm bounded to you. I want to leave but I can't because I can't give up this love. I know I'm pushing you away with my thoughts but what can a girl do when she can't feel a single thing? I can't feel the pinprick of society upon my flesh. I want to feel death rising up. I want to feel the cold stab of jealously just so I can actually feel life. Please give me death, give me the grave. I want to burn, I want to yearn for you once again. I can't even begin to explain to you how this feels.

I wish that you could understand and see what it's like in my brain. I'm running around in circles and nothing is coming off. I can't shake it and it only seems like a ticking time bomb before my insides explode. I want to love you with my whole heart but why does it seem like some days I could just leave you and never feel anything again? Some days I could just drop this love and run out on you and not have a second thought. I could give up those kisses and walk away. I could but I would always have you on the back of my mind. We are one, we are together but for how long? Why? Why does it seem like this is all I keep thinking about these days?

I want that life I don't have right now. I've never been so lost, please direct this boat to me. I want to fade into the night and gently float away with the daily fog. I can't see straight, I'm feeling short of breathe and yet you don't see these warning signs. Where are you? Cause here I am. Please give me what I crave, I want that love the takes my breathe away. I want you to knock me out, I want to bleed for you. Give me what you have taken away and I'll try to behave. I'm waiting here and I can't seem to type fast enough. I have so much I want to speak to you but yet when I open my mouth all you get is air. I can't actually say to you what I know I should say. Is this how I really feel or is it the depression? Throw away my keys, take my lock and throw it into the ocean. 

I'm on the edge but of what. Are we nearing the end or is this just the beginning? Are we finally realizing what we are to become or am I just dreaming? I don't know what to do anymore. I have all these passions but yet none of them are panning out and what is a girl to do? I can't keep following these weather patterns, I'm tired of the rain. I'm tired, can't you see? My heart is tired and confused. I would be lost without you but would I be free if I gave up on you? Please tell me why I can't seem to understand what I really want. 

I want that new love, I want to feel the butterflies once more. I should still be feeling like this but maybe I'm too needy. What do you say? Can we go back to the beginning of this and start all over? Can you kiss me like you use to? Can you show me your heart because I haven't seen it in days? 

Christina 

To do list

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My to do list is starting to get longer, I'm constantly looking into a business venture and trying to find a day job to pay the bills. I'm trying to add in a few new things to my schedule, like finally working out more. It's a bit hard to work out when there isn't a gym around and the fact that its been pretty hot. Starting tomorrow I'm going to run in the morning, I need to stick to this. I have some book ideas to outline and a few short stories to outline as well. I'm going to make myself keep working on these things so I can actually get a few of my year goals under my belt. Here's to a new and hopefully exciting week ahead. 

Christina

Saturday Favorites

This Saturday I'm going to have a theme for my favorites. Lately I've been getting into painting a lot more and I thought I'd share with you all some of my favorite ones. I'm in love with Impressionism and greek mythology paintings. I hope you all enjoy. 

Flowers by Rybakow

"Water Lily Pond" by Claude Monet

"Woman with a Parasol" by Claude Monet

"Perseus and Andromeda" by Anton Raphael Mengs

"Allegory of Love" by Bronzino

"Mourning for Icarus" by Herbert James Draper 

Christina

Friday, I'm in love

Well it's once again Friday and I may or may not be in love with that fact. So far this week has been the same  with a few unexpected twists. Earlier this week my computer started to act funny and the airport icon  wouldn't show up and I couldn't get on the internet. I have a macbook by the way. Anywho Brian and I took it to the Apple store to see what was going on with it. The apple worker fixed it but told me I need to remove what I changed the icons to. See a year ago I was hating the icons that macs come with, I think they are boring so I changed them. Apparently this is very bad for your mac and he told me so. So I went home and was going to look up on the internet what the guy wanted me to do and guess what?

The airport icon was missing, again. He really didn't fix it after all, so I was a bit irratated by that. Well I did the Archive and Install that the apple worker told me to do and it still didn't work so I just erased everything on it. Luckily I had Brian back my computer up earlier that morning so I didn't feel too bad about doing that. Hooray the computer was fixed and the internet was finally working.

The rest of the week went by with nothing exciting. Though Brian did buy some more canvas to paint on so I'm going to cover those babies up in paint. I'm working on starting an etsy site but it will be a few weeks before I can get that rolling. We still haven't heard from any job leads so that's a bit discouraging but we must keep our heads up and keep trying.

Today we had a lunch date with Kaelah from Little Chief Honeybee and her fiance Mike at this great taco place. It was very good and tons of fun. Those two are just super nice and a ton of fun. Before this fun little outing my computer decided that I didn't need an airport once again! I'm totally serious, the airport wouldn't show up at all this morning. We were going to stop by the apple store again but forgot my computer at home when we went to lunch. Well we came home and to my surprise the airport was back on. I don't know what is up with my computer but I'm hoping it can last until I get a job and can save up money for a new one.

Sorry for the long post, this computer thing is just crazy to me. I hope you're week was great and you have an even better weekend planned. I'm going to start outline some book ideas, I'm hoping to submit them to a website. I talk about details when I do it, right now it's just an idea. Stay cool!!

Christina

Thoughtful Thursday

Somedays it seems that the sun doesn't want to shine that the night is brighter than the light. Somedays it feels like the whole world is upside down, that life is a joke and I'm living a lie. I beg and I plead but it's all in vain. I can't regain the control I had those years ago but sadly I'll never be able to try. I weep for the baby I lost, for the wife that took it's breathe. What can one human do when it seems like no one else even cares? We are all selfish and shallow, we don't care for others yet we want all the power in the world. Black and white are nothing but colors with no meaning. Yellow and orange are my favorite colors, the show light and glow yet red and crimson seep out of those old wounds. My scars are slowly starting to fade, yet you can make out the lines. I wish that i could have stopped the blood from seeping, I wish that I could have stopped you from jumping but yet everything we'll all wanted is just a lie. I'm a lie, you're a lie and we are all just players in his game.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It seemed as if the night was blanketed in a glow
the bugs crept and crawled every so slow
death plagued the ground like a midnight runner
taking names and chasing the stunner.
It was time to take the breath
to drown, to lie and to die like the ever lasting mortal
it was the time for Macbeth
to carve, to scrape the flesh from the portal.
Her life was nothing more than a waste
he wanted everything to be interlaced
she stabbed and kicked and everything in between
he cried out and bled like he was barely nineteen.
Their love was nothing more than a cheap romance
filled with bliss and a black advance
The sun will shine up high
to show the carnage that's was a mile wide
it stains your lips blood red and thick.

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Christina

Sylvia Plath

“I am afraid. I am not solid, but hollow. I feel behind my eyes a numb, paralyzed cavern, a pit of hell, a mimicking nothingness… I want to kill myself, to escape from responsibility, to crawl back abjectly into the womb. I do not know who I am, where I am going - and I am the one who has to decide the answers to these hideous questions… There is nowhere to go - not home, where I would blubber and cry, a grotesque fool, into my mother’s skirts—not to men, where I want more than ever their stern, final, paternal directive…” — Sylvia Plath

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I read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath a few months ago and I fell in love with her writing. I have collected her books of poems and short stories, basically anything I can get my hands on. I want to know more about her, I want to swim in her voice and just be hypnotized by her words. She is an inspiration to me and I wish that she hadn't taken her life. 

Christina 

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs

Where are all the jobs?

Job searching is the one thing I hate the most. Everyone is hiring it seems but yet when you put in your resume nothing happens or all of a sudden they have filled the position. Then there's the job that you want and the job that you have to take because of money issues. Right now I'm stuck in a rut, but staying very positive which is quite amazing. I need a job, a good job, well one that will let me pay my bills and have money left over for random stuff (i.e. shopping).

My job back in St. Paul was good, it wasn't my favorite but I got paid decent and could dress how ever I wanted. Plus they didn't care that I dyed my hair often and had tattoos and piercings. Sadly I left that job to move down to Nashville. It was a 50/50 chance of me getting a job right away or it taking awhile. Even if I would have stayed in St. Paul, I would have lost my job in a few months.

Moving to a new place is always a gamble and I'm gambling right now. It's okay though sooner or later I'll have a job. I'll end up bugging my temp agency a ton before I get one, they'll probably be happy when I have one too! haha All I can do right now is keep my head up, keep sending in the resumes and keep hoping that someone takes a chance on me.

At least I have a roof over my head, a great boyfriend (whom happens to be in the same boat as me), food in the fridge and ac to keep away the hot Nashville days. I still have my books, my ability to write and we have a swimming pool to keep our minds off of jobs for awhile. I kind of feel like George Costanza at the moment, let's hope I have better luck than him.

Christina

Saturday Favorites

I love this painting, it's something I would hang in my place.

I usually get that look on my face when bra shopping.

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I'm all about The Dead Weather and Alison Mosshart. 

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I would so wear this Steve Buscemi dress, if it really existed.

I'm all about black, white and red tattoos. 

Who doesn't love Whose Line is it Anyways?

I hope your Saturday is wonderful so far. Brian and I will be venturing out to do some window shopping and then who knows what. 

Christina 

PS-If anyone knows who the girl is with the tattoos, let me know so I can credit her. It's hard to find credit on tumblr. 

What I'm reading

I've had this book on my shelf for awhile. I got it before I read the actually Pride and Prejudice but I made myself read the original one first. I felt that I should know the real story before reading this one. I'm hoping that I'll enjoy this book as much as the original one. We'll see. 

Christina 

Finally

After months of not being able to log in I'm finally able to. It's rather strange because I was just making a new blog on blogger. But hey at least I can log in now and don't have to restart my blog. Though I will need to give it a little bit of an update, I must change the layout.

So many things have changed since I blogged last. The last time I blogged was way back in May and now it's the middle of July. Let's see, the biggest news I have is that I have moved to Nashville, Tennessee. Brian and I made the 14 hour drive about a month ago and have been loving every second of it. We packed everything into a moving truck and started our journey to his parent's place in Des Moines, Iowa. Let's just say that we both were every irritated because most of our stuff wouldn't fit in the moving truck so we just started to throw it in. Most of it wouldn't fit and we were running behind our schedule, granted we never had one but we really wanted to be on the road to Iowa by like 1.

Life is never how you plan it and we ended up getting on the road by 3 instead, so we rolled into Des Moines around 8 or so. His parents were so great and helped us reload the truck because we had tons of stuff to pick up at their house for our new place. Our plan was to get up early but we were quite tired from the day before so we slept in. We got on the road around 10 or so. It was a long, long, drive. Brian was driving the moving truck and I was driving his pick up truck so we couldn't take turns driving. Four stops or so and a whole day behind us we finally made to Nashville around midnight.

Of course being on the road and not getting until midnight we did not pack. Inside we got some blankets and our pillows and slept on the floor. It was quite uncomfortable but hey nothing we could do. The next day we unloaded everything and started the unpacking. Sometimes I really hate moving even though I really love moving into a new place every year. It took us less than a week to get everything out of boxes and put where we wanted it. So far I love this place, I love that we have an office for us both to do our own things.

A few days after we moved in I had a dentist appointment, two weeks before moving to Nashville my wisdom teeth were hurting really bad. Like I couldn't open my mouth or chew because it hurt that bad so I needed to get them checked out. Well I went in and a week after we moved in I was scheduled to get my wisdom teeth out. The first couple of days sucked but now it's just fine and it's so worth it because now I don't ever have to worry about them ever again.

As for jobs we don't have any yet since the economy is so great. I contacted my temp agency and they are working to get me a job and I've been sending in the resumes. Sadly no one seems to want me. Though yesterday Brian and I dropped off our resumes to Third Man Records. We are hoping for some good news there even if it might be a long shot. Who knows maybe they will take a chance on one of us.

But until we get jobs our lives will be filled with nothing and swimming since we now have a swimming pool. I'm hoping to have one by the end of this month, I have bills to pay and a new phone to purchase. It's time for me to change some things on this blog so I'll leave you with this little beauty.

Christina

PS-Brian and I have been watching the crap out of Seinfeld and I love it! Also I don't know who made that picture because it was on a tumblr site with no credit. 

Life

has been a bit crazy these past couple of days and will be more so in the next couple of weeks if everything goes according to plan. I can't say yet seeing as it's not even confirmed but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'll be back either tomorrow or Wednesday with an actual post. Sorry for no Saturday favorite, I still didn't have internet but I'll make it up this Saturday. Hope last week was great for you all.

Christina

What I'm reading

I'm going to give Virginia Woolf a shot and see how her writing is. I'm excited to try a new author and see if I like her style. I'm hoping this one works out cause I know she has a ton of books for me to read. 

Christina 

Thoughtful Thursday

It's Thursday once again so you know what that means. Here's are a little story:

'it's too late to apologize.' she mouthed and walked away, tears streaming down her face. she knew what she had to do in order to forget this mess. she knew she had to move on. no words he told her would make the wounds close, nothing he said would ever stop the blood from seeping.

she had already hurt herself enough, she didn't have the will to do it anymore. she just wanted love, someone to care but all she got was the devil instead. he was nothing more than a man, all she could have asked for. but with a wish she spoke she got more than what she had bargined for.

he played the 'game', got what he wanted, took her heart and left it all black and blue. he didn't know what he was doing, he didn't know he was ruining someone's life. he didn't care if he was killing her inside. he was just using her for what god had given her, not what she was inside.

her tears fall faster as she knows he is watching her walk away a puzzled look on his face. he thought if he bought her everything in the world she would come crawling back. he was so sure that she would do anything to get him back, but what he thought was a lie. he knew that he couldn't get her back, that he had broken her heart.

she wiped away her black tears and threw them to the ground. she didn't want to think of his face, his kiss, his love, the way his hand fit into hers or the way their bodies molded into one. she was done, over with this kind of thing. she was going to make it on her own, take a chance and leave this city that was corrupt from the beginning of time.

the wind blew, her hair fell into her face, masked her in beauty. how could a man that cold do something that harmful to a woman so pure and innocent? how could anyone hurt someone they told 'i love you' too? she didn't know why she had to suffer from him. she only wanted an answer to the riddle, but the only answer would come in time.

he looked on as her body disappeared with the light. he knew she wasn't coming back, this was the last time he would see her. it was the last time he would smell her scent or see her beautiful smile though it wasn't out today. he knew that he had fucked up badly, that he just lost something that he had wanted and only now realized it.

he looked at his hands, they shook, he trembled as he felt something he had never felt before, guilt. he now knew that he had cared for her, that he wanted her back into his arms and now she was gone, for forever. she wasn't coming back. she was now a ghost, a memory in the back of his mind. she was fading into the scenery, now a figment of his imagination.

he closed his eyes and everything they had experienced flew right before them. he knew that he wasn't going to feel like this ever again. he knew that what he had with her wasn't going to come around anymore. she was something, a rare kind of breed. she was the girl of his dreams but he let his lust get the best of him.

he broke her will and now she was slipping away. the time he had with her is now gone, the devil stole it away and god wasn't going to help him anymore. his favours are all worn out. god just looked down and shook his head, he knew that the young man learned his lesson, though there was nothing to do.

she looked back once more and stopped in her tracks, she wanted to run back to him, to give him another chance but she knew that she couldn't. she couldn't give him what he wanted, he needed to learn a lesson and she was going to be the teacher. she turned back around and started walking again.

she took a breath and wiped the last of her tears. she exhaled'it's too late to apologize....'
she whispered and walked away.
he saw her disappear and knew that she wasn't coming back.
and the girl of his dreams had now faded away.

Tomorrow is Friday! Do any of you have any fun plans for the weekend? I'm going to a concert tonight (The Kills) then going out to eat with some coworkers on Saturday evening and Brian returns on Sunday. I'm excited to give him his present and finally see him after a week. 

Christina 

Pride and Prejudice

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This passage in the book/movie kills me. When he says it in the movie I want to jump him. If you don't know where this quote is from well you must go read/watch Pride and Prejudice. It's one of my favorite books of all time and the (2005) movie is really good. It just says so much and is so beautiful, I wish it would be said to me. But I can imagine that Mr. Darcy is saying it to me when I watch them movie. I just may go watch the movie now. I hope your week is going great so far, I'll be back tomorrow with Thoughtful Thursday. 

Christina 

Birthday Present

So this coming Saturday, May 7th, is my boyfriend's birthday. I don't have a ton of money so I usually tend to make him gifts. So for our one year anniversary I painted him a portrait of Jack White, for Christmas I painted him a guitar that is based off of one of Jimi Hendrix's. When I remembered his birthday I was a bit stumped as to what to give/make him. I find making gifts are more personable, plus he really likes them. I was at work a couple of weeks ago and the idea popped into my head. Why not recreate the drum heads that The White Stripes had?

I'm going to be painting the two famous drum heads that Meg White had, the button and the peppermint.

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I'm making the button as the bass drum head and the peppermint is going to the rack tom head. I'm excited to see them all finished and hanging around his apartment. He's not going to be playing with them so up they go. I'll post some pictures when I'm done with them. 

Christina 

Red Nails

Red is one of my favorite colors to paint my nails and I paint my nails a lot. When I say a lot, I mean every week I have a new nail color. A bright cherry red is my top choice for red nail polish, though I do enjoy a deep crimson or blood red every now and then. My brand of choice is NYC and the red I use is Big Apple Red Creme. I tend to not paint my nails this color since I work with a ton of files and I usually end up leaving huge red streaks all over them but I couldn't resist today. What's your go to color for nails??

Christina 

Sunday, Sunday

It's a pretty laid back Sunday afternoon, doing some laundry and getting some blog posts ready for when I'm gone for the week. Well I'm not really going anywhere but I won't have internet for a week so I can't post. It's also kind of chilly in Minnesota today, it really feels like fall. I wish Starbucks had their pumpkin spice latte all year round cause I would have gotten one of those today. My week will be pretty boring but I have some projects to keep me entertained plus I have Brian's entire DVD collection so that should help. One of those projects happen to be Brian's birthday present. I'll make a post about that later this week. But I'm off to finish what's left of my to-do list.

Christina

Saturday Favorites

Once again it's Saturday and I'm enjoying it even though it was down pouring earlier this morning. The sun has finally come out and Brian and I are about to go get some chinese food but first here are my Saturday Favorites.

I want one sooo bad.

Jane Eyre, yes please.

Caitlin Hackett is amazing.

Atonement, such a wonderful book and movie. 

Dracula. 

Love this.

Christina 

Thoughtful Thursday

I walk through the valley of shadow of death. 
I see the stars shine so brightly in their orange florescent glow. I watch as they fall and rise with the tide, but yet they peacefully retire to a new day. I'm hoping that the night will come to take away whatever I'm trying to spill to you. I want to open my mouth and let everything pour out. My feelings, my thoughts, my everything; but even if I was to open my mouth nothing but lies would come out. I would trick you into believing something that really isn't there. I'm shallow, I'm mean, I'm everything you want and more. I'm the one that really does hide under your bed, that really does watch you as you sleep. I'm the one that holds you while you are slumbering and sees the smile as my arms incase you in warmth. I breathe on your neck, giving you the goosebumps you wake up with. Do you realize this, or do you just think it's a ghost of your imagination. 

Do you really believe in ghosts or are you one of those people? The ones that believe in lies we cannot prove. Maybe they are right and I'm just the wrong one waiting for something that will never happen. I can't be sure what is real, but I can try to find out; can't I? I'll hunt the afterlife looking for what I thought was true but will only end up in a land so far away I won't remember how to get back to my salvation, to your arms. I'll hold onto what I thinking till my last dying breathe because I can't trust you. You've led me in the wrong direction once before. I can't see how you would know what is right for me, but you seem to think so. What a pity that you really think like that.

The sun won't come out today, it's meaningless to say this......
I'm just looking for someone like you and someone like me. Is that to hard to really find? But don't you worry I'm going to find those people, they will walk with me through this life. I'll find my other half, you know the one hiding in the dark. yeah that one, will find me and we'll dance the night away drunk on the blood. Our laughter will pierce the sky and we'll cry as the moon disappears into the sun. We will fall asleep under the rays of light and awaken back to our world of darkness and decay. Our prayers won't be answered, not by God or by anyone for a matter of fact. 

We'll keep whispering our goals, our hopes, maybe in due time the lords will answer them in ways we can't even imagine. We will keep our eyes close till then, and our minds will be blank for any impression to be made. We will be those whom you can control and tell lies to. We will be your secrets, the ones that you use for your own good. We will sing you to sleep, and watch as you count your money. We are the ones. you may want to know what we are, what we strive to be but your answers will never come. We can't answer you, nor will we speak the language of love to your face. 

I think you would already know that language but who am I kidding, you might know only a bit of it. You couldn't know the whole history, it's too much for your small brain to comprehend. But maybe if I told you upon dying you could grasp some of it's power that it holds over all of us. I really want to go back to 1989 when we use to share the world together. But what happened to that world, where has the sun gone, where has the happiness gone?
My questions won't be known. You're somewhere I can't go. I've tried so many times to find a home that once was mine, but no such luck upon looking. I can't find the signs I need, or the body we buried so long ago. I want my home back, I want my life back, I want the family I use to love back. I need those things back in my life, but what I had those would I be complete like I am now. Or would I fall to pieces right in front of your eyes. 

Answer me this, show me the place where I can't go that you can go. Show me the land of trying that seems to elude me in all my quests. I've sent out my riddles, my equations and yet there seems to be no one that can decode anything that I'm putting down. Where has everyone gone? or am I truly the one gone?

Hope your Thursday was amazing and I can't believe it's Friday tomorrow! Finally, I'm looking forward to some relaxing time with Brian before he leaves for a week (trip to Nashville with his father). I also need to make up some posts for next week since I won't have internet. At least it will give me some time to finish Brian's birthday gift and write. 

Christina 

Love

"Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering."    


That quote is from the book The History of Love by Nicole Krauss. It's one of my all time favorite quotes ever.  I originally found it on Tumblr and knew upon reading it that I had to have the book it came from. It's an amazing book so if you've never heard of it go read it. Trust me, it's worth it. 


Christina 

What I'm reading

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I started this today seeing as I just finished The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath early this morning on my bus route to work. So far it's very interesting, I really like the way she wrote her journal. Not a lot of people write in their journals like she does, it seems more like a story than her actually day to day life. As for The Bell Jar, I loved it. I read through it pretty fast (started it on Sunday and finished it today). If you're looking for something new to read I say check it out. 

Christina

Saturday Favorites

Lately I've been in love with pastel colors, the soft pinks, baby blues and cream colors. A soft peach/coral is to die for. There is a sweater in a coral color at H&M I've been dying to get my hands on, soon I will. Here are some of my favorite pastel things.

So cute!!

The wallpaper is lovely.

I want a kitchen like this.

My dream kitchen!

Love

Want.

This dress is original from Forever 21 however it's not on their website anymore.

Christina 

Thoughtful Thursday (Belated)

So I dropped the ball on this Thoughtful Thursday blog but I will make up for it right now. I'm going to write whatever comes to my mind at the moment so if there are some errors, I'm very sorry. I'll try to fix them as soon as I notice them.

the night, once pure and bliss
is like my soul, dark and amiss
terrible things hide in the depths
like murders, death, and deception 


I don't know why it feels like this, broken, tortured and everything in between. I want to escape normal life and experience things I've only dreamed of. But doesn't everyone want to escape their lives, if only for a few minutes. We change what we feel, our appearance but for what? To achieve greatness? To come as close to perfection as humanly possible? But I'd rather be ugly than what you want me to be.


the lines blurred, everlasting
the shapes of people disappearing
the fog lays flat and consumes me
fear grips me, suffocating
I can't tell you up from down
wrong from right  and black from white
it's coming, never stopping
the pain I've hidden long ago
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To love like the night
only brings death and disease 
to those whom adore and
those whom despise you
To die in the daylight
only brings chaos to those in peril
and calms those influenced


by the devils evil tricks
To burn the soul in winter
sends you straight to hell
and slowly kills off those
whom you loved and cherished


To make love like the wind 
brings angels down from the sky
and brings demons up
to mock and play


To curse the lord's name
brings lighting from the skies
and sores burst upon your flesh
as god gets back for the sin


To read this whole
only makes your mind numb
and your eyes start to bleed
for I'm the only one allowed to read


It feels like I'm blinded, the dark folds over my eyes. I can't see, can't feel, it's like I'm sleeping but I'm completely aware. 


(Everything I write is mine, I created it so please don't steal it.)
Christina

A day off

I've been a bad blogger lately. It's been awhile since I posted but I have a good reason. I've been busy with life and the fact that my apartment doesn't have internet and when I get off work I can't go anywhere for internet (everything closes in St. Paul around 5). I totally dropped the ball on Thoughtful Thursday but I'll post a belated one later on this afternoon.

So I took a day off of work this week, why? No real reason I just wanted a day to myself, coffee, and writing. So far I've eaten lunch with Brian, bought stuff for his birthday and had a good talk with my old boss and I just got a coffee (I made it myself). I'm planning on writing and job searching the rest of the day before we go out to dinner. If anything of this happens, we'll see. I should make it happen but sometimes other things get in my way.

I have a lot of things going through my head right now, lots of business ideas, future goals and everything in between. I've been thinking of what I want published and what I want to accomplish in my life. I've been accepting that I may not ever write a novel, maybe not this early in the stage. I'll wait till I'm a bit older or maybe getting my butt in gear and writing more will make me inspired to write one.

The other thing that's been on my mind a lot lately is job searching. I need to find a job in my new state (I'm not sharing the details just yet but when everything gets finalized I will). I hate job searching only because I feel like I'm never qualified for half of the positions I would want. But in order for me to be able to move I need a job and if we are going to move when we want to I have like 2 months to get one.

Lots of things are up in the air right now but all I know for sure is what I want to achieve. I know what I want to be, now I just need to reach for it. I need to stay positive and keep writing. I know I keep saying that but I need to make myself do it even when I don't feel inspired.

(I've been getting positive comments about my hair, it may just stay this way for awhile)

Christina

I'm a

 redhead (a very bright copper one) once again. 

I went back to my copper look. I haven't had this color of hair in forever it seems like, it's been pretty dark for a couple of years. It's nice to have something different. I feel and look like a new person.

Christina 

Thoughtful Thursday

New addition to the blog. I usually spend a ton of time during my breaks at work just writing. What about? Everything. I don't have a certain thing I just write about unless I'm really focused on one of my novels. Lately I've been into just writing a few lines to a story (just something I made up on the spot) and then stopping it at an important moment so that it leaves you wanting more. Or I've just been spilling my brains out. So that's what Thursdays are going to be for, me spilling my brains out. No rhyme to it, no underlining meaning just whatever my brain wants to say. There are no rules, it's just me letting go of everything and writing, even if the subject is lame.

So here it is (this one may be about the weather)

It feels like fall but the calendar says it's April. I dislike that feeling of being in another season when in fact it's the complete opposite. The weather needs to make up it's mind, I can't stand to go from 60 degrees back down to 30. I love getting all dressed up in sweaters and scarfs but not anymore, let me have my no tights dress weather. Since it feels like fall I want pumpkin spice candles bad, I want the smell so fall. I want burning leaves and carving pumpkins. I want Halloween and frost. I want burnt orange and mustard yellow leaves on the ground. Oh fall, how I miss you and feel you around even though it's clearly no where near being your time yet. 


Winter use to be my favorite season but lately it's been making me angry and frustrated. I can't stand to be cold, like freezing cold, it's not for me. I use to enjoy the emptiness that winter brings. That barren feeling you get looking at a field that's completely covered in snow. I can picture it right now. You look out and see nothing but white, it's such an odd feeling to know it goes on for awhile. Sometimes it seems endless, winter that is. The first snow fall is heaven, snow falling at night in the middle of an empty city melts my heart. That's some inspiration right there. The only thing I will miss about this city is watching the snow fall at night, so pretty. But once the snow has been here for months and the temps turn into negative teens that's when I'm ready to say goodbye. 


Summer has never been my favorite season, I enjoy the warm temps but not when it's muggy outside and       I'm stuck to the couch because I'm that hot. The thunderstorms are my favorite. Falling asleep to the sound of rain is lovely. Thunderstorms don't usually wake me up but when I do wake up in the middle of them I feel so at home. A smile grows on my face when I hear that crack and the rain beating on my window. I'm craving a great thunderstorm bad but the tornadoes can stay away. Tornadoes and me really don't get along very well. 


As for Spring well I don't mind it nor do I hate it. The flowers are wonderful as are the spring showers. It helps that spring is right after winter so everything is thankful to see something else besides cold and snow. When the temps start to hit around the 60s I can't keep inside. I love to take walks when the weather is nice and the sun is shining. Nothing feels better than being stuck inside all winter and finally coming out in spring. I just wish this spring would actually get going.

Christina

(There's thoughtful thursday. I hope you enjoyed it. They all won't be about the seasons, this just happened to be on my mind. Sometimes it might be a little story or part of my novel or it will be like tonight and be something random.)

When I Grow Up

I Want to Be A:

Veterinarian 

Doctor

Forensic Scientist

Rockstar

Artist Manager

Author

Entrepreneur

As a little girl, I had my mind set on being one thing. Then I was a teenage and my mind changed once again. And now as an adult my mind once again. I want to be a whole bunch of things. I want to be creative and inspiring for people. I want to give people hope and make them realize that if they set their minds to it they can do anything. 

The only thing that's holding me back is myself. I have so many goals I want to reach, so many things I want to do. I've always had a list of jobs I've wanted to do ever since I could remember. I would write pretend songs and then sing them into my hairbrush. I'd spend hours upon hours sitting in my room writing in notebooks. 


Even now as I'm 22 years old I still have no idea what I really want to be but I know it involves having more than one job or business. I would love to be my own boss. I would also love to write tons and tons of novels. Here's to becoming what I've always wanted to be and here's to never letting anything get in my way.


Christina 

Old friends

It's always great to catch up with a friend whom you haven't seen in awhile. I went to coffee with my old roommate, it had been a few months since we last talked/ saw each other. It was nice to have some girl time too, seeing as I usually am around Brian.

To be honest I missed the bonding girl time we use to have. We use to be joined at the hip, like almost literally. We would watch tons of movies, making dinner (usually hamburger helper) and played hours of Super Mario bros. We even had a math class together in college and would write each other notes during it.  After being friends for awhile we moved in as roommates along with another girl we both worked with.

We had some great times living together for the year that we did. We didn't leave on bad terms I just think that we needed some space from each other since we had seen one another every day for the past year. At that time I was going to move to Portland but some things changed and I never did.

Even when I came back to the Twin cities we never really hung out very  much. She had her life and I had mine. It wasn't that we didn't want to see each other, the opportunity never came up. She was either busy or I was. But none of that is the point here. My point is that it's great to see someone who you considered/consider your best friend. It's been too long since I hung out with a girl that it was refreshing. I love my boyfriend but gosh some girl time is needed.

Here's to many more days like today before I move.

Christina 

Karen Elson and Pushing Daisies

It's no secret that my boyfriend, Brian, loves Jack White. So therefore I know a ton dealing him and his bands and everything he has put his hands into. Earlier this year Brian received a record from Third Man Records. On there it had a song from Karen Elson and all the other singles Third Man has released this past year. Karen Elson happens to be Jack White's wife and a model.  I just bought her album, The Ghost Who Walks, last night and it's amazing. It has southern and dark tones throughout every song and I can't get enough.

That's the first single off of it, which happens to be of the same title. It's girls and music like this that just make me inspired and make me wish I could sing. I think she is absolutely beautiful and her ginger hair is to die for. This album has Jack White written all over it, literally. If you enjoyed the song 'The Ghost Who Walks' I suggest looking into the rest of the album, you won't regret it.

~

Yesterday I started to watch Pushing Daisies on Netflix on a whim, I've heard of the show but never watched it. I got through two episodes before Brian came home and I must say that oh my gosh I love it. It's so creative and the narrator is right up my alley. The characters are funny and lovable and hello Mr. Lee Pace, what a looker you are.  My point in bringing this up is that watching Pushing Daisies brought back my inspiration. I got that itch to write and that's just what I did today. I wrote on all my breaks and plan on finishing up a page or two later tonight. The book I'm writing has a quirky feel to it and this show reminded me of that and gave me some ideas to play off of.

Yay for inspiration being back and for new shows even if it's been over for a couple of years. I'll still enjoy every second of it.

Christina

Mustard Mayhem

Mustard Mayhem by Xinamleo featuring stackable rings

If you know me in real life you know my love for all things mustard yellow. I use to have a purse in mustard yellow and I have a sweater in that color as well. I don't know what it is about it but gosh do I love it. I need more of it in my life, a jacket would be great. It kind of reminds me of fall along with burnt orange.

Side note, I really hate looking for places to live and looking for a new job. It's just so time consuming and such a let down at times. I'm looking forward and not looking forward to moving to a new state. I'm excited cause it will be an adventure but it's going to suck moving all my stuff. I need to buckle down and actually start applying for jobs I see and need to start asking places about their apartments and what not. I will get there it's just going to take some time and effort but I know in the end it will be worth it.

Christina 

Dear Spring

Hey,
It's Christina, remember me? I'm really ready for you to be here, the calendar says that you should be but I don't see you anywhere around. I'm craving some warmer weather and the smells of spring rain. I'm craving the green grass and the flowers blooming. You need to tell Winter to go away for once and all. This 'we'll maybe get up to 40 degrees today' thing is getting old. Just get to 40 and start the climb higher, that darn snow really needs to melt. Also I'd love to be able to wear a dress without tights and be able to not have to wear my winter coat anymore. If you could try to get on this, that would be grand. We can be friends but you have to make the effort to. So I'm hoping to see more of you around, maybe next week? Till then,

Love,
the girl whom truly wants spring

What I'm reading

Christina 

Hair

I just so happen to be talking about the same thing as The Dainty Squid. The thing that's always on my mind is my hair. Ever since I cut it really short last May, I've kept it short but have had this urge to grow it out. I guess I'm just impatient for it to grow back to the length I had over a year ago. It was the longest I had ever had it and sometimes I miss it.

This was last year on my birthday.

It will take me a long time to get to that length if I even want to get it that long. I've always wanted what I can't have or will take me awhile to get. Like when I have short hair I want long hair and when I have long hair I want short hair. It's an endless cycle for me, haha. I'm hoping I can break myself of this in the future. For now I'm going to stick with growing my hair out, it may not be crazy long but I think a bob length would keep me entertained. 

 Christina 

Yellow, orange cream

Yellow, orange cream by Xinamleo on Polyvore.com

My outfit for the day. Though the bag is wrong and is more of a wishlist item. I couldn't find my actual bag so I choose one that I've had my eyes set on for awhile. I'm in need for a new purse, one that will let me carry books and journals and whatever else it is that my heart desires. I would have taken a real photo of my outfit but sadly I don't own a fancy camera and all I have is my macbook, which doesn't take that great of photos.  It was kind of a laid back day.  We grabbed a bite to eat at the cafe where Brian works, then went food shopping since we were both out of food. We are cooking up some turkey burgers for dinner tonight then I'm going to buckle down and get some writing and other creative things done before bed time.

Christina

Chinese food, Taxes, and The Greenhornes, oh my.

My day has been semi eventful. Brian and I got to sleep in this morning after waking up early for work this past week, it was amazing. We woke up with a craving for Chinese food, Panda Express is one of our favorites. So we drove to the Maplewood Mall and got some. We really didn't have much on our agenda for today besides getting our taxes done. We roamed around the mall for a bit, stopping in H&M where I bought some cowboy boots that were on sale. There happened to be an H&R block right across from the mall so we figured why not.

Brian did his taxes first and it took forever, well more like 2 hours but still. So many complicated things to do and figure out. He got his bill and I was kind of scared of how much he was charged so I told the guy that I was just going to do mine, myself at home. He tried to figure out a rough estimate of how much it would cost me and even that was still too much. I'm poor H&R block. We came back to Brian's place, since my apartment doesn't have internet and I tried to do my taxes myself.

It was a success, I went with Turbotax and everything was really easy to use. Thank goodness, I was afraid  it was going to be ridiculous. I didn't do a lot last year seeing as I was unemployed for 4 months and only worked two jobs the rest of the year. I didn't have anything else to claim besides living in Minnesota for the year. I'm actually shocked at how much I'm getting back for my refund. I'm so glad that I will be getting that much back, I haven't had that much money in my bank account for like 2 years.

What will I do with my tax refund? SAVE IT! Most of it will be put into my savings account and will not be touched unless I absolutely need it. Though I will spend some of it on things I've been wanting/needing for awhile. A new tattoo is in order and maybe some new clothes.

Right now we are just sitting around and waiting to grab some dinner, hopefully Panera then we are heading off to The Greenhornes show tonight at the Triple Rock Social Club that's in Minneapolis. They are a three piece rock band from Ohio and are on the Third Man Records record label (Jack White's label). Brian is really into them so it should be a fun show, plus I get to wear a new dress I got last weekend. You should really check out The Greenhornes. It might just be your new favorite band.

Christina

p.s. I will be working on my layout for a couple more days so just a heads up. I'll try to have it finalized by April 1st.