A year ago,

If you look back on my life for the past year I can say it's been a crazy ride. Going through a breakup, dealing with the dreaded ex still hanging around (but we are not going to get into that, what's done is done), starting  new relationship and what not. I have a new job since the last time I actually posted, which has it's ups and it's down. I'm still struggling to find myself a career with allows me to be creative. I'm still working on releasing a book, I actually have the start of a poetry book in the works. I really need to step up my game though and actually make myself do it. 

I talk myself up that I'm writing but here I am never actually writing a ton. I need to get better about writing every day, I need to write even when the words coming out of my head feel like crap. I'll never actually make a career out of something creative if I don't physically try, you know? I guess this is my try to pump myself up and get my butt in gear. 

I see all these fabulous ladies on the internet making a living for themselves doing what they love. I see them make blogs about fashion, about DIY's or about what every pleases them. I see these ladies and get envious of their lifestyles, I know it's no picnic and that they have worked very hard to get where they are but I'm envious that day in and day out they get to do what they love. 

I have all these ambitions, hopes and goals that I want to achieve in life. I want to paint, I want to write novels, I want to own my book publishing company, I want, I want, I want. But maybe I have too many ambitions, maybe I focus on wanting so much more than I can actually obtain. Maybe I'm just too small of a human being to grasp these big goals I have in mind. But then again I'm my own worst enemy, we all are. 

A year ago, I still had the same goals but wasn't anywhere close to them and I'm still not now. I have journals filled with ideas about etsy shops I want to open up. I want to bring people joy with what I create but sitting on my butt won't' do that. 

A year go, I didn't have a poetry book in the works. I may not work on it much but I still have something I'm working on. I write some poems while at work, when I have the chance, but i'm still trying to find my ground. If we are being honest with each other, I'm afraid. I'm scared that what I put down on paper will be terrible to others. They will read it and just laugh because to them it doesn't make sense or that it's not as good as so and so. 

Everyone has their critics and I just have to face mine. With this blog I'm planning on using it a lot more than I have before. I'm planning on posting my poetry on here and just writing what comes to my mind, which is a lot of craziness on certain days. I am going to make something of myself and work towards those goals I have. 

I am. 

-Christina

It's haunting...

It's haunting, those feelings still attached to my lips. My hips just won't quit. I can still see your face when I close my eyes, all those times that you made me weak with desire. Those times that you graced me with your presence, I'm still aching for your touch. It seems like so long since the last time I saw you. It's been an enternity of quietness, and I'm starting to go mad. I can't take this anymore, what happened to everything we gave? Where did it all go?

It seems as if I've been waiting for a stranger, just a shadow of the person I thought you were going to be. I can't believe that I just stood there waiting, letting everything pass over me. I never slept, I never ate, all I could do was just think about you. The last thing I could ever do is get over this, get over what we never had. Can't you see what I'm feeling? Can't you feel what I've been telling you? Are my words just hallow with no meaning behind them? Or are you just to superficial to even give me the time of the day. It's like I'm lost in the depth of my heart and I can't seem to find a way out.

I can't come to terms with the fact that it's over, everything we had is gone forever. We can't go back in time anymore. Our memories will be our time machine but it's lost. Our hearts are gone, they will live in those moments for the rest of our lives. No matter how may enter, you will never be forgotten. First loves never die, they never loose hold, they may fade in time but the touches will be ever lasting. Your breathe will always be on the back of my neck.

Those light touches will never fade from my body, there presence will always drive my senses mad and I won't be able to stop it. My blood with seep slower when you're around. Your feelings may be lost but mine are just hidden, I can't let them out to play. Those old butterflies will resurrect at the sound of your voice and I just may become a puddle of my former self. I can't seem to get over it. I can't seem to get over you. 

Hopeless Romantic

I've always been somewhat of a hopeless romantic. Okay somewhat isn't the right word, I am a hopeless romantic. You give me some good chemistry and a sappy story and I'm in. Hook, line and sinker. The Notebook, super cliche I know but it gets the point across, totally teared up at the end. A Walk to Remember, love it. Both the book and the movie are great and what can I say, I totally had a crush on Shane West. Bad boy turned good, how can you resist that? He freaking built her a telescope for crying out loud. If that doesn't scream love then I don't know what does.

I guess I've always been this. It's true I like my dark side of things. Give me some awesome deep drug filled movie, Requiem for a Dream, and I'm in love with that. So there are two sides to me, I like the dark side and I also really enjoy the finer girly things in love. There are times when I wish I could be part of those stories, just to feel that ridiculous side of love. I know that real life isn't exactly like that and no one writes you a letter a day for a year.

Maybe it's just my girly side but who doesn't want that. To feel so completely in love that you would do pretty much anything to be with the person you love. To be with the person whom holds your heart in their hands. I picture these epic love scenes where they both finally confess those feelings they have been hiding deep down. I dream of that first touch, the first kiss, the anticipation that comes in those first moments. That first kiss shared between lovers is such a sight to behold. It's something that you don't forget so easily. But what if every kiss you shared was like that? What if every time they were around you those butterflies took flight?

What if you just run into a seemingly normal guy, and are throw into a situation that causes you to be dependent on them. Feelings ignite and so starts the epic love. Look at Titanic, which is like my favorite movie ever, girl wants to kill herself, is going to jump off back of ship, boy comes out of nowhere to save her. Boy shows girl the time of her life, girl doesn't know what to do. Girl eventually realizes that she loves him and boom they are in love. Barely know each other for two days and the whole world is theirs for the taking.

What if there are moments like that in life? What if there are people we meet that are like our Jacks? We  just don't know it, they've shown us love that we can't escape or we haven't meet them just yet. What if one day we'll run into them and everything we thought we knew about love was just a lie. Maybe everyone's true loves are still there, searching. Maybe your true love has been dead, but their soul waits, waits for their resurrection to be reunited with you.

What if true love does really exist?

What if this really does exist and we just don't know it yet? Or maybe this is just the hopeless romantic in me wishing it was true. Maybe I'm holding onto something that isn't there. But I guess it brings me a comfort to dream of a romance like that, even if it's only a dream.


Christina

(not sorry for my love of titanic)

If I had a nickel

For every time I thought of a new story idea that I never used I would be rich, or least have some money in the bank. Thinking of new ideas has never really been a hassle for me, my real problem is actually getting all of this to paper. It's quickly getting those words written down before the ideas spill out of my gapping mouth.

I have multiple stores started, ones that I probably won't finish, though I like to think I'm actually going to. Some of them are so old, from back in very beginning of high school that I don't even really remember what my motivation was. I have two journals filled with just one story, only one other person has read that one. It's kind of embarrassing to go back and re-read the story, it's not that good. I can say with honor it's a fan fiction of a certain anime show. What can I say?

I have stories of vampires old and new just sitting in a document growing bored and old with dust. They long for that touch that only a writer can give to a piece of work. They long for the warmth of my love and for recognition of their story. I can only give them so much attention before I finally loose steam and their stories fall of a cliff, never to be seen from again.

I think I'm only going to be good at writing short stories, I find it easier to create and destroy something within the capacity of a few pages than a few hundred. Though deep down there is a part of me that wants to dominate the beast that is a novel, I want to hold the final copy in my hands and just bathe in the glory that one feels when completing something only dreams are made of.

Maybe one day, one of my ideas will hit me with such force I'm bound to create the worlds bubbling inside of me and maybe then I'll be able to look down at my creation and smile with pride. It's getting of this inside of my head down to paper. I'm such a terrible person at making myself actually focus on my goals. I need to write more, I need to update this more, I need to dream more.

I must start a dream journal, even if it means remembering the ones that wake me with a start. There are times when I try not to remember my dreams. The ones that even after I wake up from them, it still feels like I'm trapped inside of it. The ones that after you've woken up as soon as your close your eyes again it's right where it left off, yes those. I hate those, they drive me mad and make my night a terror.

Maybe that is my answer though, maybe those dreams that give me the creeps is suppose to help me with the matter at hand. One can only hope. So with that I'm off to read before I must go to bed.

Christina

Dear you,

Hi.
It's been a very long time and I don't really know what to say. Deep down I miss you, how we acted around each other but at times I don't really miss us all that much. It's weird how it works that way, isn't it? Now I'm not saying that I hate you or anything. I guess I'm just trying to say that I've moved on, we had some great times but it will never be the same ever again. I think both of our feelings got hurt and we just can't forget that. It's a shame, yes but oh well. I moved away but I was never said good bye to. I moved back and both of us never tried to get in touch.

We can both blame life and say that we were busy with other stuff or other people. But I don't think we both wanted really try. I can say that for myself but I'm not going to put words into your mouth. Too many things happened between us even before I moved and that's the way it's always going to be. I never reach out to you and you never reach out to me. We'll say hi and I miss you but I think that's how our friendship is always going to be.

It's quite sad but I just can't make myself get that upset over it. People come and go. Maybe we were meant to be friends for how long we were and then were meant to be broken apart. Maybe it was all part of the game. Do you feel this way? Am I hitting the spot? Do you feel like it's completely over?

You've grown up, I've grown up. We've grown apart and our other relationships have grown immensely. I do miss our chats but not the ones that made me angry or the ones that made me feel like I was ten years old again. I do miss our note sharing during class and the inside jokes that we had. It was a fun couple of years, especially when we both worked together.

Those days will forever be part of some of my favorite memories from college. It was a great time but it was always going to end. We go to college and then we fly away. We go off and live our lives in the way we've always dreamed of. We just never fought to keep what we had built and we're not to blame. I'm not blaming anyone. But I'm not saying goodbye. I'm just saying I still remember those times and the laughs we shared. Those drunken nights were the best. I'll never forget what we had. Maybe later in life we can reconnect in a brand new way once everything has been settled. Until then, I'll be around.

Sincerely,

Christina

Currently

Reading: The Girl that Played with Fire. I got the book a few days ago and I'd say I've made quite a dent in it. I just love the way Stieg Larsson writes, it's breathtaking and just takes hold of you and won't let you go until you've drank up the last words. I love it when I find a book like this. I love it when I'm so captivated by the story that I pretty much breathe, eat and sleep it. That's one of the reasons I love to write, because you become those characters, they are you. You give them voices, give them doubts, and anger and everything else. But if you can bring your reader into your story and have them feel like part of it, then you've done your job. 

Watching: Game of Thrones. I've seen a ton of hype for this show on Tumblr so I thought I'd give it a try. I've only gotten through like half of the first episode but so far I like it. My internet stopped working the other day and I've been at work lately so I haven't had a chance yet to watch it. Though I do have some days off coming up so I'll try to sneak in some episodes. 

Thinking About: Life. There are tons of things I want to do with my life, places I want to go, things I want to experience. Cities I want to live in, well really only two but I've thought about moving there multiple times. I just don't have the means to move there right now though but there comes into play the other question if I do decide to move anywhere. What about him? I'm in a relationship and we're going on 2 and a half years here. It's tricky because I love him and don't want to leave him but at the same time I want to go live elsewhere. I don't mind Iowa but I don't want to live here. I grew up here and that's perfectly fine with me. 

Anticipating: The arrival of The Rasmus's new album, Rasmus. The Rasmus is my favorite band ever. I discovered them way back in like 2005 when the first appeared on FUSE. Oh my gosh, does anyone remember when FUSE was just 24/7 music. It was the best thing ever. But I still remember that day after school when my brother and I sat and watched some show on FUSE and they premiered the music video for 'In The Shadows'. I fell in love right then and there. Ever since then I've been a fan and I've been patiently waiting for their newest album. Sadly I'll have to wait just a few more days, see it's not out in America so I have to have it imported from Finland. 

Working on: Getting in shape. I'm by no means bigger or anything but I have some areas that could use some trimming up. I don't think I'll dive right into some extreme life changing diets but I'll start to eat right more and work on exercising. I've been joking with Brian about getting a yoga mat and trying that out. I've always kind of wanted to try it so maybe one of these days I'll give it a shot. Any tips for a beginner? 

Wishing: For some good news or a phone call or two. Two could be nice but I'll settle for one. I'm also wishing for some extra cash so I could drive home and see my mother. It's been far to long. 

I got this feature from Danielle, over at Sometimes Sweet. I love reading her blog. You should check it out. 

Christina 

Thoughtful Thursday

Arian Behzadi

She dressed in black, as the lipstick stained her lips. The plum color stuck to her teeth as if clinging to life itself. She never wore her hair up it was always wrapped round her face even if the wind wasn't blowing. It felt like home, comfort and love. She could easily hide away when the going got tough or if she was embarrassed. Her eyes were outlined in charcoal, it made the emerald color jump out at you. Her cheeks were matted in tears and blush, a light rose color that made her appear almost doll like. She didn't dare say what was bothering her or why she had just cried. 

It was useless to try to explain, the words would only get stuck on her tongue and make her choke with the emotion she was afraid to show. Her lips parted and that was it. Just the sound of her inhaling and then the soft sigh of an exhale. She quivered as the temperature started to drop, fall was like this. Sunny and warm during the day but as soon as night hit the temperature would plummet. It would frost in the middle of the night, and would shine as the sun woke up. 

Her feet dangled off the swing and she just watched them move absentminded. She couldn't control her limbs anymore than she could control her thoughts. It just happened, they moved without her really telling her brain to move them. Her thoughts would come rushing out like a waterfall and would never stop. She poured her soul and heart into hundreds of journals. They lay strewn across the floor of her apartment like old newspapers. She would flip through them every now and then but mostly there they laid. 

She didn't like to remember what she had felt, what she had needed to get off her chest. But why? Why was she so afraid of reliving those moments? She had some good ones, but some bad ones as well. Though everyone had good and bad memories, she just chose to deal with them differently. 

She finally looked up and out across the park. It was too cold outside for the little kids to play so she was safe. Safe from the questions, safe from any human interaction. It was the way she liked it, if her tongue could stay glued to the roof of her mouth she would enjoy life much better. She hated the forced social interactions, that she always had to say Hi back to someone on the street. She wanted to be alone. 

She wanted nothing more than to lie there and watch the birds fly away. She wanted nothing more than to be really and truly alone.

And she was. 

Blogging

You know I've read so many blogger tips post from various bloggers and usually it's pretty good advice. But I read one today and it just struck me as rude, well not really rude but more so that everyone has to do what she did/does. That everyone has to be a photographer in order to have a blog but what if your blog isn't about that? What if you like doing book reviews? I want to blog, yes but I'm not very good at updating and if I do I just post a ton of words but that's me. I write. I create stories and every now and then I create some art. I don't take pictures of what I wear, because that's just not me. I also don't own a camera expect for the one on my photo and that's not going to give you a good picture of what I'm wearing.

Plus sorry to say this but everyone and their mother does outfit post, not to say I don't enjoy them because I do but what I'm really trying to say is that it's overdone. Everyone that starts a blog does it, it's not a new thing nor do I think it will ever phase out. I'm also not trying to be rude or mean and if I come off as that then I'm sorry. I'm just telling you what I see, well have been seeing.

I don't know, it seems to me that everyone always has advice about how you should go about blogging, how you should do it. It's kind of like them telling you how to be yourself and letting what you truly enjoy shine through. I think that beginning bloggers should figure stuff out themselves, live and learn. But then again half of the people wanting this advice just want free stuff, they want people to listen to them and want to be friends with them. Because deep down we all just want to feel part of something, that's why some of us blog. We want that connection with other like minded people. I know I do.

I don't have many friends (sometimes having your friends as roommates doesn't turn out the best), I pretty much work and then hang out at home. Expect for those few months Brian and I lived in Nashville and Kaelah, Mike, Brian and I were inseparable. Different story for another day. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that the whole blog world has gotten so different from when I was first introduced to it. I get that people change but I feel that some bloggers don't really care anymore. They use to be so personable but now it's nothing but DIY's and other people's post.

I want to know what is running through their minds, how they come up with the ideas. What gives them inspiration, and what makes them ticked. You know? Maybe I'm the only one that has noticed all of this but I hope that it doesn't stay this way forever. We all need to chill out, take a deep breath and just let things happen. You don't have to have a ton of readers in order to enjoy blogging, nor do you need to have tons of sponsors wanting to throw free things at your face. Write what's in your heart and the rest will come and if it doesn't don't sweat it.

There you have it. This has been on my mind all morning and for awhile. If you agree then you agree and if you don't then oh well you don't.

Christina

Currently

Reading: I just finished The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, so I haven't had the chance to start a new book.  Though I've been reading Lord Of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring on and off for awhile now. I got really into in October of last year but then I moved so I haven't really made a dent in it. I'm hoping to pick up a new book, probably the next book in the Millennium series, in a few days. If not that then I have a few other ones I'm looking into.

Watching: The Big Bang Theory. I've always heard good things about this TV show but only have just started watching it like a month ago. I love it. I love the characters, how the act with each other and the overall dialogue. Brian, my boyfriend, seriously asked me to sing 'Soft Kitty' to him last night and all I could do was just laugh. Yes I did sing it to him.

Thinking About: Oh gosh where to start. haha At the moment the most important thing on my mind is a full time job. As of two weeks ago I left my position at Maurices, due to reasons. I don't want to go into detail, let's just say I wasn't 100% happy there. Pretty much it was taking over my life, I complained about it when I was there and even on my days off. Everything just got under my skin and it wasn't very healthy for me. So at the moment I'm working at a different retail place, not the best but it pays me so I'm going to stick with it. I'm applying and searching so let's keep our fingers crossed for some good news soon. That's pretty much the biggest thing on my mind.

Loving: This summer heat in the middle of spring. I love being able to wear dresses every day without tights, it's just amazing. I'm glad that it hasn't gotten super hot just yet though for a couple of days we were getting some muggy weather. I do have a feeling that we aren't done with the coolish weather just yet. Last week was ridiculous, it got down to the 30's at night and we actually had to turn on the heat. What's going on Iowa? I'm hoping that we have finally reached our spring time temps and won't go below 50 anytime soon. Please stay away until November. Pretty please?!

Anticipating: Kaelah's wedding!!I know, I know it's not until October but let me be. I'm super excited to be part of it, I just know that it's going to be magical. I'm grateful that Mike and Kaelah want Brian and I to be part of their big day. Plus we have an awesome wedding gift planned, if I do say so myself.

Listening to: The TV, I don't have any music on and I'm not sure about what is on. I have this small tv in my room and like only 10 channels work so I never know what's on.

Feeling Thankful for: Brian, my friends, and like everything. It's one of those days were I'm just glad to have a roof over my head even if my situation isn't the must ideal one. You got to roll with the punches.


Christina

I got this feature from Danielle over at Sometimes Sweet. I've always loved when she does this so I thought I'd give it a try.

Book Review: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

'Harriet Vanger, a scion of one of Sweden's wealthiest families, disappeared over forty years ago. All these years later, her aged uncle continues to seek the truth. He hires Mikael Blomkvist, a crusading journalist recently trapped by a libel conviction, to investigate. he is aided by the pierced and tattooed punk prodigy Lisbeth Salander. Together they tap into a vein of unfathomable iniquity and astonishing corruption.'

This is one of those books that I've picked up multiple times but just haven't committed to buying it. I'm not sure why. I just wasn't 100% sure if I was going to like this book or not. I'm glad that I finally bought it because it was great. And I know everyone and their mother has read the book but I just had to see what all the buzz was about. (That's what I did with The Hunger Games and I loved those books.) 

I felt that the beginning was a bit slow, though I read though it pretty fast. It was filled with lots of details about the characters which was nice because you got to know them and be part of their life. But I was dying to get to the mystery surrounding Harriet Vanger. I do love me a great mystery/murder novel. I was hooked after reading the about the day that she disappeared and had to keep reading. The further Mikael went in the rabbit hole that is the Vanger family the better the book got. 

I don't want to spoil the book or anything so I won't go into detail about certain scenes or the ending. But let me just say that as much as I loved how Mikael and Lisbeth figured about the mystery about Harriet I just wish that it had been a different story. (SPOILER: Deep down I wish that she had been murdered by a member of the Vanger family.) The closer between Lisbeth and Mikael got the more I wanted them to be together. I think they make a great detective pair and it just goes to show you that it doesn't matter how you look because you never know what's deep down. 

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone that is looking for a new read and is looking for a thrill ride. I'm planning on reading the other two books in the series, The Girl that Played with Fire and The Girl that Kicked The Hornet's Nest. I'm excited because I know the other two books will be fantastic just like this one. 

If anyone else has read this book, I would totally love to discuss it. 

Christina 

Real Life talk

There are days where I feel completely lost, today is one of those days. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, I'm stuck and I can't seem to figure out what I need to do. I have a job, which I'm grateful for because it gives me something to do and I get a regular pay check so that's nice. But I'm not entirely happy where I am. There is so much stupid crap that goes on between the other girls and me, which sucks plus we have been going through some crazy changes. This past Saturday, I was getting really frustrated with my coworkers and people in general that I really wanted to quit. I can't though, the fact that I need a job and money is making me stay.

This job just isn't what I really want to do but for right now it's okay. It pays fine but it's not enough for me to be financially stable. I can't live on my own, I'm currently living with my boyfriend's parents. We can afford a place on our own, nor can we qualify for a place because both of us make so little. It's frustrating and defeating. It makes me feel even more like I can't get anywhere. I don't know where to go, or who to turn to.

I'm not sure what field I would look in for a job, it feels as if I have no useful skills. I went to a music school and have a degree in music business, but that field is pretty  much impossible to get into unless you know someone that knows someone. I also decided while in college that I didn't want to go into that field, my heart just wasn't completely in it. My passion for music was nothing like my boyfriends.

Every since my boyfriend and I moved from Minnesota everything has kind of fallen apart. I feel like I have lost myself in the abyss and I can't seem to escape. I'm drowning in the black and I can't quite choke out the words. I can't figure out what I want to do in life, what my dream job would be or where I want to end up. Nothing feels right, I'm just going through the motions of everyday life but it doesn't actually seem like I'm really living life. I feel like I'm getting stepped over constantly and it sucks.

To really sum it up I don't know what to do anymore. I need to find a new job so I can actually make money and finally start the life I'm missing out on. I need to get more money so I can get a place to live and start paying on my student loans. I need a new job that challenges me but leaves me feeling fulfilled. Something that makes me want to wake up and go to work. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want to keep getting pushed to the side. I'm tired of feeling like I suck at my job because it's being made that way.

I just wish I could be happy, that I could see the silver lining. I wish that my boyfriend and I could get a break for once. I wish that for once everything would go right for me. I'm hoping that something new is coming, that I'm about to find something that will get me out of this rut I'm living in. Maybe there was something good right around the corner. I can only hope.


Christina

Me, my blog, and I

This post really isn't going to be about my goals for this blog this year. It's more of a wishlist, kind of, and more of my thoughts when it comes to blogging. I've been signed up with blogger for almost 2 years now, but never have been able to keep a blog going. I first signed up so I could read and remember Kaelah's blog but at that time I never really thought about starting one myself.

I like to write, yeah but I by no means have an exciting life. I pretty much wake up, eat, hangout on the internet, go to work, come home, and go to bed. Well that's my routine for right now but still at my other job I would wake up, go to work, come home, eat, watch tv and go to bed. There was some internet time but I wasn't sitting around for hours on my computer mainly because I was tired from the day. I like to write fiction, I like to make up people and places and plots. I like to give them love and then take it away. I've always been a writer, though there were a few years where I had forgotten all about my passion so I was focusing on another.

I decided in the summer of 2010 that I was going to start a blog and tell the people of the internet about me moving away to Portland, OR. It was a terrible time in my life, moving away from my boyfriend, not really having a job, no money, student loans piling up, etc. I kept up with the blog for a month and then I just completely forgot about it. Why? Truth is life. Life got in the way, I moved back to my boyfriend, even though at the time he had just broken up with me. It just wasn't a good time in my life for me to focus on getting a job and having a blog. There wasn't much for me to blog about besides saying I was sitting at a coffee shop stealing their internet.

I'm sure I would have won some award for that content. So that blog was long forgotten. I still checked into blogger to read the blogs I had fell in love with but I never hit make a post button. Half a year later I thought to myself I should start another blog but make myself actually blog this time. That went well for awhile and then it halted. Blogger was going through some issues and I couldn't login to my account so I left it for dust. Fast forward a few months I finally logged in and started to update on the journey of my life. At that time I had moved to Nashville with my boyfriend (we eventually got back together) and was filling the void in my life with writing.

Really I'm just not good about blogging. I get tired after work and the last thing I want to do is write up a post or search the internet for a picture to talk about. It also doesn't help that I feel like I'm talking to a wall with these posts but hey at least I'm getting out everything that's swimming in my head. My blog is really a place for me to get my ideas out. To get all those jumbled words that are stuck in my head out onto paper or at least a blog post. Most of my blog posts are going to be words, not a ton of pictures. I don't do the whole outfit post, it's not really my style. I might share an occasionally picture of what I wore but I won't devote a few days a week to it.

That's just not, I'm not a fashion blogger, nor will I ever be. I'm me, I write, I paint, I draw, and I create. I'll document that here among other things. I'll get sappy or depressing but that's only because I'm human. My feelings go up and down. I'm also aware that this is getting crazy long and I'm sure everyone has already lost all interest. But this is what I do, I ramble but if you like rambling then I hope you keep reading and checking in. And if I bore you to death then sorry, you don't have to read my blog. So here's to me trying to keep up on this blog.

Christina

Thoughtful Thursday

It's that sweet sound of your lips on mine. It's those touches I can't erase from my mind. Your eyes linger in my heart. I can't stop this from coming. I can't stop my body from trembling, please stop it. Stop this love from spreading in my veins, I don't want to die. I'm in love but with what? The idea of love or the person you only show to me? I can't be the only person you love. Show me that I matter, that your breath would cease if I wasn't around. Show me the light of your heart, give me those timely beats. Let them engulf me in a fire I can die from. The heat can't harm me only bathe me in a glow I don't ever want to lose.

You may call me crazy, say that I have finally lost my mind but do you really know what crazy is? You and your so called perfect life. Death has never graced you, nor have you had to wander this earth searching for food. But that's not why I love you, no it's not your innocence in all things that matter. It's that glow, that twinkle in your eyes that brings me to my knees. My only question is, is this how you feel about me? Am I the blood that pumps through your veins or could you just throw me away like the trash?

I'm sorry is that a loaded question, too much for you to answer? Just spit it out, chew me up and leave to me perish. Let me become the ghost of my past, let me sink into that pot hole of hell and start to ponder. I can go back to the beginning, I can see clearly now. I can feel your presence but your body is gone. Where have you gone? Did the right one come along while I was loathing? Did she take you away? Show you everything you don't have with me?

Are her eyes happy unlike mine? Do they shine with that glory that I will never have? Does she take your breath away? I miss you. Please don't fly away just yet. Let's keep 'us' together for just a few more moments. Can we just fall asleep and dream of the past? Can we remember the first time we kissed, that time our bodies finally molded together? That first time that we let our guards down and had someone invade our space. Can we please go back to that moment when I showed you my heart and you loved it even if there were some bruises here and there. Can we please keep this love?


I choose you and always will.

If I sing will they hear the beauty in tragedy?
Will your grace by my saviour or will I die by his might?
My father's words ring hallow, the truth of love
I never listened and now I'm here
driving on these winding roads, they twist and turn
leaving me guessing the right path to choose
only I can see the light up ahead
only I can tell you when to go
my only heart beats for you
but doesn't that make me selfish?
Shouldn't I take all the pressure off of you?
Let you slide by with barely a scratch
If I'm going down without a fight
then I'm taking all of you with me
but only if you want to let go
and give me all of you.



Christina

I'm here

My fingers drum the beat, the ever lasting feeling is slowly coming to an end. I whisper these words and all I can think of is how beautiful you really are. Those words drip out of your mouth, how romantic it can seem to want to save someone. But saving me isn't going to help the problem. My problem is bigger than you telling me that you'll be there. I'm lost in my head, have you ever been in a place so misleading? My eyes are open come save me. I can hear you singing those words but yet where is your body in this action. I can't feel your skin on mine, I'm constantly looking for those touches. I want to save you, yes I do but do you want to really save me? I need you, I need you. I'm bleeding on the inside, I'm craving for something more, I want the thrill of life to smack me in the face. I want to face the sea and not be afraid of what's in the depths. 

I'm sitting here and nothing comes to mind. I'm lost once again and I don't know how long it will take me to guide this maze. I'm waiting for this room to clear, for my heart to be empty but yet I'm bounded to you. I want to leave but I can't because I can't give up this love. I know I'm pushing you away with my thoughts but what can a girl do when she can't feel a single thing? I can't feel the pinprick of society upon my flesh. I want to feel death rising up. I want to feel the cold stab of jealously just so I can actually feel life. Please give me death, give me the grave. I want to burn, I want to yearn for you once again. I can't even begin to explain to you how this feels.

I wish that you could understand and see what it's like in my brain. I'm running around in circles and nothing is coming off. I can't shake it and it only seems like a ticking time bomb before my insides explode. I want to love you with my whole heart but why does it seem like some days I could just leave you and never feel anything again? Some days I could just drop this love and run out on you and not have a second thought. I could give up those kisses and walk away. I could but I would always have you on the back of my mind. We are one, we are together but for how long? Why? Why does it seem like this is all I keep thinking about these days?

I want that life I don't have right now. I've never been so lost, please direct this boat to me. I want to fade into the night and gently float away with the daily fog. I can't see straight, I'm feeling short of breathe and yet you don't see these warning signs. Where are you? Cause here I am. Please give me what I crave, I want that love the takes my breathe away. I want you to knock me out, I want to bleed for you. Give me what you have taken away and I'll try to behave. I'm waiting here and I can't seem to type fast enough. I have so much I want to speak to you but yet when I open my mouth all you get is air. I can't actually say to you what I know I should say. Is this how I really feel or is it the depression? Throw away my keys, take my lock and throw it into the ocean. 

I'm on the edge but of what. Are we nearing the end or is this just the beginning? Are we finally realizing what we are to become or am I just dreaming? I don't know what to do anymore. I have all these passions but yet none of them are panning out and what is a girl to do? I can't keep following these weather patterns, I'm tired of the rain. I'm tired, can't you see? My heart is tired and confused. I would be lost without you but would I be free if I gave up on you? Please tell me why I can't seem to understand what I really want. 

I want that new love, I want to feel the butterflies once more. I should still be feeling like this but maybe I'm too needy. What do you say? Can we go back to the beginning of this and start all over? Can you kiss me like you use to? Can you show me your heart because I haven't seen it in days? 

Christina 

To do list

Click

My to do list is starting to get longer, I'm constantly looking into a business venture and trying to find a day job to pay the bills. I'm trying to add in a few new things to my schedule, like finally working out more. It's a bit hard to work out when there isn't a gym around and the fact that its been pretty hot. Starting tomorrow I'm going to run in the morning, I need to stick to this. I have some book ideas to outline and a few short stories to outline as well. I'm going to make myself keep working on these things so I can actually get a few of my year goals under my belt. Here's to a new and hopefully exciting week ahead. 

Christina

Saturday Favorites

This Saturday I'm going to have a theme for my favorites. Lately I've been getting into painting a lot more and I thought I'd share with you all some of my favorite ones. I'm in love with Impressionism and greek mythology paintings. I hope you all enjoy. 

Flowers by Rybakow

"Water Lily Pond" by Claude Monet

"Woman with a Parasol" by Claude Monet

"Perseus and Andromeda" by Anton Raphael Mengs

"Allegory of Love" by Bronzino

"Mourning for Icarus" by Herbert James Draper 

Christina

Friday, I'm in love

Well it's once again Friday and I may or may not be in love with that fact. So far this week has been the same  with a few unexpected twists. Earlier this week my computer started to act funny and the airport icon  wouldn't show up and I couldn't get on the internet. I have a macbook by the way. Anywho Brian and I took it to the Apple store to see what was going on with it. The apple worker fixed it but told me I need to remove what I changed the icons to. See a year ago I was hating the icons that macs come with, I think they are boring so I changed them. Apparently this is very bad for your mac and he told me so. So I went home and was going to look up on the internet what the guy wanted me to do and guess what?

The airport icon was missing, again. He really didn't fix it after all, so I was a bit irratated by that. Well I did the Archive and Install that the apple worker told me to do and it still didn't work so I just erased everything on it. Luckily I had Brian back my computer up earlier that morning so I didn't feel too bad about doing that. Hooray the computer was fixed and the internet was finally working.

The rest of the week went by with nothing exciting. Though Brian did buy some more canvas to paint on so I'm going to cover those babies up in paint. I'm working on starting an etsy site but it will be a few weeks before I can get that rolling. We still haven't heard from any job leads so that's a bit discouraging but we must keep our heads up and keep trying.

Today we had a lunch date with Kaelah from Little Chief Honeybee and her fiance Mike at this great taco place. It was very good and tons of fun. Those two are just super nice and a ton of fun. Before this fun little outing my computer decided that I didn't need an airport once again! I'm totally serious, the airport wouldn't show up at all this morning. We were going to stop by the apple store again but forgot my computer at home when we went to lunch. Well we came home and to my surprise the airport was back on. I don't know what is up with my computer but I'm hoping it can last until I get a job and can save up money for a new one.

Sorry for the long post, this computer thing is just crazy to me. I hope you're week was great and you have an even better weekend planned. I'm going to start outline some book ideas, I'm hoping to submit them to a website. I talk about details when I do it, right now it's just an idea. Stay cool!!

Christina

Thoughtful Thursday

Somedays it seems that the sun doesn't want to shine that the night is brighter than the light. Somedays it feels like the whole world is upside down, that life is a joke and I'm living a lie. I beg and I plead but it's all in vain. I can't regain the control I had those years ago but sadly I'll never be able to try. I weep for the baby I lost, for the wife that took it's breathe. What can one human do when it seems like no one else even cares? We are all selfish and shallow, we don't care for others yet we want all the power in the world. Black and white are nothing but colors with no meaning. Yellow and orange are my favorite colors, the show light and glow yet red and crimson seep out of those old wounds. My scars are slowly starting to fade, yet you can make out the lines. I wish that i could have stopped the blood from seeping, I wish that I could have stopped you from jumping but yet everything we'll all wanted is just a lie. I'm a lie, you're a lie and we are all just players in his game.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It seemed as if the night was blanketed in a glow
the bugs crept and crawled every so slow
death plagued the ground like a midnight runner
taking names and chasing the stunner.
It was time to take the breath
to drown, to lie and to die like the ever lasting mortal
it was the time for Macbeth
to carve, to scrape the flesh from the portal.
Her life was nothing more than a waste
he wanted everything to be interlaced
she stabbed and kicked and everything in between
he cried out and bled like he was barely nineteen.
Their love was nothing more than a cheap romance
filled with bliss and a black advance
The sun will shine up high
to show the carnage that's was a mile wide
it stains your lips blood red and thick.

Click

Christina

Sylvia Plath

“I am afraid. I am not solid, but hollow. I feel behind my eyes a numb, paralyzed cavern, a pit of hell, a mimicking nothingness… I want to kill myself, to escape from responsibility, to crawl back abjectly into the womb. I do not know who I am, where I am going - and I am the one who has to decide the answers to these hideous questions… There is nowhere to go - not home, where I would blubber and cry, a grotesque fool, into my mother’s skirts—not to men, where I want more than ever their stern, final, paternal directive…” — Sylvia Plath

  Click

I read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath a few months ago and I fell in love with her writing. I have collected her books of poems and short stories, basically anything I can get my hands on. I want to know more about her, I want to swim in her voice and just be hypnotized by her words. She is an inspiration to me and I wish that she hadn't taken her life. 

Christina 

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs

Where are all the jobs?

Job searching is the one thing I hate the most. Everyone is hiring it seems but yet when you put in your resume nothing happens or all of a sudden they have filled the position. Then there's the job that you want and the job that you have to take because of money issues. Right now I'm stuck in a rut, but staying very positive which is quite amazing. I need a job, a good job, well one that will let me pay my bills and have money left over for random stuff (i.e. shopping).

My job back in St. Paul was good, it wasn't my favorite but I got paid decent and could dress how ever I wanted. Plus they didn't care that I dyed my hair often and had tattoos and piercings. Sadly I left that job to move down to Nashville. It was a 50/50 chance of me getting a job right away or it taking awhile. Even if I would have stayed in St. Paul, I would have lost my job in a few months.

Moving to a new place is always a gamble and I'm gambling right now. It's okay though sooner or later I'll have a job. I'll end up bugging my temp agency a ton before I get one, they'll probably be happy when I have one too! haha All I can do right now is keep my head up, keep sending in the resumes and keep hoping that someone takes a chance on me.

At least I have a roof over my head, a great boyfriend (whom happens to be in the same boat as me), food in the fridge and ac to keep away the hot Nashville days. I still have my books, my ability to write and we have a swimming pool to keep our minds off of jobs for awhile. I kind of feel like George Costanza at the moment, let's hope I have better luck than him.

Christina