A year ago,

If you look back on my life for the past year I can say it's been a crazy ride. Going through a breakup, dealing with the dreaded ex still hanging around (but we are not going to get into that, what's done is done), starting  new relationship and what not. I have a new job since the last time I actually posted, which has it's ups and it's down. I'm still struggling to find myself a career with allows me to be creative. I'm still working on releasing a book, I actually have the start of a poetry book in the works. I really need to step up my game though and actually make myself do it. 

I talk myself up that I'm writing but here I am never actually writing a ton. I need to get better about writing every day, I need to write even when the words coming out of my head feel like crap. I'll never actually make a career out of something creative if I don't physically try, you know? I guess this is my try to pump myself up and get my butt in gear. 

I see all these fabulous ladies on the internet making a living for themselves doing what they love. I see them make blogs about fashion, about DIY's or about what every pleases them. I see these ladies and get envious of their lifestyles, I know it's no picnic and that they have worked very hard to get where they are but I'm envious that day in and day out they get to do what they love. 

I have all these ambitions, hopes and goals that I want to achieve in life. I want to paint, I want to write novels, I want to own my book publishing company, I want, I want, I want. But maybe I have too many ambitions, maybe I focus on wanting so much more than I can actually obtain. Maybe I'm just too small of a human being to grasp these big goals I have in mind. But then again I'm my own worst enemy, we all are. 

A year ago, I still had the same goals but wasn't anywhere close to them and I'm still not now. I have journals filled with ideas about etsy shops I want to open up. I want to bring people joy with what I create but sitting on my butt won't' do that. 

A year go, I didn't have a poetry book in the works. I may not work on it much but I still have something I'm working on. I write some poems while at work, when I have the chance, but i'm still trying to find my ground. If we are being honest with each other, I'm afraid. I'm scared that what I put down on paper will be terrible to others. They will read it and just laugh because to them it doesn't make sense or that it's not as good as so and so. 

Everyone has their critics and I just have to face mine. With this blog I'm planning on using it a lot more than I have before. I'm planning on posting my poetry on here and just writing what comes to my mind, which is a lot of craziness on certain days. I am going to make something of myself and work towards those goals I have. 

I am. 

-Christina

It's haunting...

It's haunting, those feelings still attached to my lips. My hips just won't quit. I can still see your face when I close my eyes, all those times that you made me weak with desire. Those times that you graced me with your presence, I'm still aching for your touch. It seems like so long since the last time I saw you. It's been an enternity of quietness, and I'm starting to go mad. I can't take this anymore, what happened to everything we gave? Where did it all go?

It seems as if I've been waiting for a stranger, just a shadow of the person I thought you were going to be. I can't believe that I just stood there waiting, letting everything pass over me. I never slept, I never ate, all I could do was just think about you. The last thing I could ever do is get over this, get over what we never had. Can't you see what I'm feeling? Can't you feel what I've been telling you? Are my words just hallow with no meaning behind them? Or are you just to superficial to even give me the time of the day. It's like I'm lost in the depth of my heart and I can't seem to find a way out.

I can't come to terms with the fact that it's over, everything we had is gone forever. We can't go back in time anymore. Our memories will be our time machine but it's lost. Our hearts are gone, they will live in those moments for the rest of our lives. No matter how may enter, you will never be forgotten. First loves never die, they never loose hold, they may fade in time but the touches will be ever lasting. Your breathe will always be on the back of my neck.

Those light touches will never fade from my body, there presence will always drive my senses mad and I won't be able to stop it. My blood with seep slower when you're around. Your feelings may be lost but mine are just hidden, I can't let them out to play. Those old butterflies will resurrect at the sound of your voice and I just may become a puddle of my former self. I can't seem to get over it. I can't seem to get over you. 

Hopeless Romantic

I've always been somewhat of a hopeless romantic. Okay somewhat isn't the right word, I am a hopeless romantic. You give me some good chemistry and a sappy story and I'm in. Hook, line and sinker. The Notebook, super cliche I know but it gets the point across, totally teared up at the end. A Walk to Remember, love it. Both the book and the movie are great and what can I say, I totally had a crush on Shane West. Bad boy turned good, how can you resist that? He freaking built her a telescope for crying out loud. If that doesn't scream love then I don't know what does.

I guess I've always been this. It's true I like my dark side of things. Give me some awesome deep drug filled movie, Requiem for a Dream, and I'm in love with that. So there are two sides to me, I like the dark side and I also really enjoy the finer girly things in love. There are times when I wish I could be part of those stories, just to feel that ridiculous side of love. I know that real life isn't exactly like that and no one writes you a letter a day for a year.

Maybe it's just my girly side but who doesn't want that. To feel so completely in love that you would do pretty much anything to be with the person you love. To be with the person whom holds your heart in their hands. I picture these epic love scenes where they both finally confess those feelings they have been hiding deep down. I dream of that first touch, the first kiss, the anticipation that comes in those first moments. That first kiss shared between lovers is such a sight to behold. It's something that you don't forget so easily. But what if every kiss you shared was like that? What if every time they were around you those butterflies took flight?

What if you just run into a seemingly normal guy, and are throw into a situation that causes you to be dependent on them. Feelings ignite and so starts the epic love. Look at Titanic, which is like my favorite movie ever, girl wants to kill herself, is going to jump off back of ship, boy comes out of nowhere to save her. Boy shows girl the time of her life, girl doesn't know what to do. Girl eventually realizes that she loves him and boom they are in love. Barely know each other for two days and the whole world is theirs for the taking.

What if there are moments like that in life? What if there are people we meet that are like our Jacks? We  just don't know it, they've shown us love that we can't escape or we haven't meet them just yet. What if one day we'll run into them and everything we thought we knew about love was just a lie. Maybe everyone's true loves are still there, searching. Maybe your true love has been dead, but their soul waits, waits for their resurrection to be reunited with you.

What if true love does really exist?

What if this really does exist and we just don't know it yet? Or maybe this is just the hopeless romantic in me wishing it was true. Maybe I'm holding onto something that isn't there. But I guess it brings me a comfort to dream of a romance like that, even if it's only a dream.


Christina

(not sorry for my love of titanic)

If I had a nickel

For every time I thought of a new story idea that I never used I would be rich, or least have some money in the bank. Thinking of new ideas has never really been a hassle for me, my real problem is actually getting all of this to paper. It's quickly getting those words written down before the ideas spill out of my gapping mouth.

I have multiple stores started, ones that I probably won't finish, though I like to think I'm actually going to. Some of them are so old, from back in very beginning of high school that I don't even really remember what my motivation was. I have two journals filled with just one story, only one other person has read that one. It's kind of embarrassing to go back and re-read the story, it's not that good. I can say with honor it's a fan fiction of a certain anime show. What can I say?

I have stories of vampires old and new just sitting in a document growing bored and old with dust. They long for that touch that only a writer can give to a piece of work. They long for the warmth of my love and for recognition of their story. I can only give them so much attention before I finally loose steam and their stories fall of a cliff, never to be seen from again.

I think I'm only going to be good at writing short stories, I find it easier to create and destroy something within the capacity of a few pages than a few hundred. Though deep down there is a part of me that wants to dominate the beast that is a novel, I want to hold the final copy in my hands and just bathe in the glory that one feels when completing something only dreams are made of.

Maybe one day, one of my ideas will hit me with such force I'm bound to create the worlds bubbling inside of me and maybe then I'll be able to look down at my creation and smile with pride. It's getting of this inside of my head down to paper. I'm such a terrible person at making myself actually focus on my goals. I need to write more, I need to update this more, I need to dream more.

I must start a dream journal, even if it means remembering the ones that wake me with a start. There are times when I try not to remember my dreams. The ones that even after I wake up from them, it still feels like I'm trapped inside of it. The ones that after you've woken up as soon as your close your eyes again it's right where it left off, yes those. I hate those, they drive me mad and make my night a terror.

Maybe that is my answer though, maybe those dreams that give me the creeps is suppose to help me with the matter at hand. One can only hope. So with that I'm off to read before I must go to bed.

Christina

Dear you,

Hi.
It's been a very long time and I don't really know what to say. Deep down I miss you, how we acted around each other but at times I don't really miss us all that much. It's weird how it works that way, isn't it? Now I'm not saying that I hate you or anything. I guess I'm just trying to say that I've moved on, we had some great times but it will never be the same ever again. I think both of our feelings got hurt and we just can't forget that. It's a shame, yes but oh well. I moved away but I was never said good bye to. I moved back and both of us never tried to get in touch.

We can both blame life and say that we were busy with other stuff or other people. But I don't think we both wanted really try. I can say that for myself but I'm not going to put words into your mouth. Too many things happened between us even before I moved and that's the way it's always going to be. I never reach out to you and you never reach out to me. We'll say hi and I miss you but I think that's how our friendship is always going to be.

It's quite sad but I just can't make myself get that upset over it. People come and go. Maybe we were meant to be friends for how long we were and then were meant to be broken apart. Maybe it was all part of the game. Do you feel this way? Am I hitting the spot? Do you feel like it's completely over?

You've grown up, I've grown up. We've grown apart and our other relationships have grown immensely. I do miss our chats but not the ones that made me angry or the ones that made me feel like I was ten years old again. I do miss our note sharing during class and the inside jokes that we had. It was a fun couple of years, especially when we both worked together.

Those days will forever be part of some of my favorite memories from college. It was a great time but it was always going to end. We go to college and then we fly away. We go off and live our lives in the way we've always dreamed of. We just never fought to keep what we had built and we're not to blame. I'm not blaming anyone. But I'm not saying goodbye. I'm just saying I still remember those times and the laughs we shared. Those drunken nights were the best. I'll never forget what we had. Maybe later in life we can reconnect in a brand new way once everything has been settled. Until then, I'll be around.

Sincerely,

Christina

Currently

Reading: The Girl that Played with Fire. I got the book a few days ago and I'd say I've made quite a dent in it. I just love the way Stieg Larsson writes, it's breathtaking and just takes hold of you and won't let you go until you've drank up the last words. I love it when I find a book like this. I love it when I'm so captivated by the story that I pretty much breathe, eat and sleep it. That's one of the reasons I love to write, because you become those characters, they are you. You give them voices, give them doubts, and anger and everything else. But if you can bring your reader into your story and have them feel like part of it, then you've done your job. 

Watching: Game of Thrones. I've seen a ton of hype for this show on Tumblr so I thought I'd give it a try. I've only gotten through like half of the first episode but so far I like it. My internet stopped working the other day and I've been at work lately so I haven't had a chance yet to watch it. Though I do have some days off coming up so I'll try to sneak in some episodes. 

Thinking About: Life. There are tons of things I want to do with my life, places I want to go, things I want to experience. Cities I want to live in, well really only two but I've thought about moving there multiple times. I just don't have the means to move there right now though but there comes into play the other question if I do decide to move anywhere. What about him? I'm in a relationship and we're going on 2 and a half years here. It's tricky because I love him and don't want to leave him but at the same time I want to go live elsewhere. I don't mind Iowa but I don't want to live here. I grew up here and that's perfectly fine with me. 

Anticipating: The arrival of The Rasmus's new album, Rasmus. The Rasmus is my favorite band ever. I discovered them way back in like 2005 when the first appeared on FUSE. Oh my gosh, does anyone remember when FUSE was just 24/7 music. It was the best thing ever. But I still remember that day after school when my brother and I sat and watched some show on FUSE and they premiered the music video for 'In The Shadows'. I fell in love right then and there. Ever since then I've been a fan and I've been patiently waiting for their newest album. Sadly I'll have to wait just a few more days, see it's not out in America so I have to have it imported from Finland. 

Working on: Getting in shape. I'm by no means bigger or anything but I have some areas that could use some trimming up. I don't think I'll dive right into some extreme life changing diets but I'll start to eat right more and work on exercising. I've been joking with Brian about getting a yoga mat and trying that out. I've always kind of wanted to try it so maybe one of these days I'll give it a shot. Any tips for a beginner? 

Wishing: For some good news or a phone call or two. Two could be nice but I'll settle for one. I'm also wishing for some extra cash so I could drive home and see my mother. It's been far to long. 

I got this feature from Danielle, over at Sometimes Sweet. I love reading her blog. You should check it out. 

Christina 

Thoughtful Thursday

Arian Behzadi

She dressed in black, as the lipstick stained her lips. The plum color stuck to her teeth as if clinging to life itself. She never wore her hair up it was always wrapped round her face even if the wind wasn't blowing. It felt like home, comfort and love. She could easily hide away when the going got tough or if she was embarrassed. Her eyes were outlined in charcoal, it made the emerald color jump out at you. Her cheeks were matted in tears and blush, a light rose color that made her appear almost doll like. She didn't dare say what was bothering her or why she had just cried. 

It was useless to try to explain, the words would only get stuck on her tongue and make her choke with the emotion she was afraid to show. Her lips parted and that was it. Just the sound of her inhaling and then the soft sigh of an exhale. She quivered as the temperature started to drop, fall was like this. Sunny and warm during the day but as soon as night hit the temperature would plummet. It would frost in the middle of the night, and would shine as the sun woke up. 

Her feet dangled off the swing and she just watched them move absentminded. She couldn't control her limbs anymore than she could control her thoughts. It just happened, they moved without her really telling her brain to move them. Her thoughts would come rushing out like a waterfall and would never stop. She poured her soul and heart into hundreds of journals. They lay strewn across the floor of her apartment like old newspapers. She would flip through them every now and then but mostly there they laid. 

She didn't like to remember what she had felt, what she had needed to get off her chest. But why? Why was she so afraid of reliving those moments? She had some good ones, but some bad ones as well. Though everyone had good and bad memories, she just chose to deal with them differently. 

She finally looked up and out across the park. It was too cold outside for the little kids to play so she was safe. Safe from the questions, safe from any human interaction. It was the way she liked it, if her tongue could stay glued to the roof of her mouth she would enjoy life much better. She hated the forced social interactions, that she always had to say Hi back to someone on the street. She wanted to be alone. 

She wanted nothing more than to lie there and watch the birds fly away. She wanted nothing more than to be really and truly alone.

And she was.