There are days where I feel completely lost, today is one of those days. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, I'm stuck and I can't seem to figure out what I need to do. I have a job, which I'm grateful for because it gives me something to do and I get a regular pay check so that's nice. But I'm not entirely happy where I am. There is so much stupid crap that goes on between the other girls and me, which sucks plus we have been going through some crazy changes. This past Saturday, I was getting really frustrated with my coworkers and people in general that I really wanted to quit. I can't though, the fact that I need a job and money is making me stay.
This job just isn't what I really want to do but for right now it's okay. It pays fine but it's not enough for me to be financially stable. I can't live on my own, I'm currently living with my boyfriend's parents. We can afford a place on our own, nor can we qualify for a place because both of us make so little. It's frustrating and defeating. It makes me feel even more like I can't get anywhere. I don't know where to go, or who to turn to.
I'm not sure what field I would look in for a job, it feels as if I have no useful skills. I went to a music school and have a degree in music business, but that field is pretty much impossible to get into unless you know someone that knows someone. I also decided while in college that I didn't want to go into that field, my heart just wasn't completely in it. My passion for music was nothing like my boyfriends.
Every since my boyfriend and I moved from Minnesota everything has kind of fallen apart. I feel like I have lost myself in the abyss and I can't seem to escape. I'm drowning in the black and I can't quite choke out the words. I can't figure out what I want to do in life, what my dream job would be or where I want to end up. Nothing feels right, I'm just going through the motions of everyday life but it doesn't actually seem like I'm really living life. I feel like I'm getting stepped over constantly and it sucks.
To really sum it up I don't know what to do anymore. I need to find a new job so I can actually make money and finally start the life I'm missing out on. I need to get more money so I can get a place to live and start paying on my student loans. I need a new job that challenges me but leaves me feeling fulfilled. Something that makes me want to wake up and go to work. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want to keep getting pushed to the side. I'm tired of feeling like I suck at my job because it's being made that way.
I just wish I could be happy, that I could see the silver lining. I wish that my boyfriend and I could get a break for once. I wish that for once everything would go right for me. I'm hoping that something new is coming, that I'm about to find something that will get me out of this rut I'm living in. Maybe there was something good right around the corner. I can only hope.
Christina
